In the concept of polyamory (which has been developing since the end of the 1960s), the throuple is a relational concept that is flourishing, perhaps in part to the relational distresses in today’s complex society. The dysfunctions and crises inherent in relationships are becoming less and less tolerated in a society already under tension. In my perspective there is now a need for support, a need for mediation through the difficulties that a couple goes through. Contemporary life often does not allow people to find their own space, there is a conflict between roles where men and women are looking for their place. So more and more people want to find new forms of relationship. The throuple can be an answer for many of us.

From the series of Élise Di interviews to Christian from La Casa Dorada.

What is a throuple

Elise: What exactly is a “throuple”?

Christian: In the past, men had one or more mistresses and hid themselves. Nowadays, extra-marital relationships, whether on the man’s or the woman’s side, are often assumed. Polyamory is gradually replacing infidelity. Polyamory is above all having the honesty to acknowledge relationships that take place outside the couple. The particularity of a throuple is that the relationships are lived and shared by three people. Without being a trio or an unchanging unit, the throuple is a space where everyone has an intimate relationship in the broadest sense, with everyone else. Sharing a meal, going to the cinema, going out and taking a holiday can be done in threesomes, but also in pairs by applying a rotation in the moments shared. A throuple can include any combination of people of any gender or sexual identity.

In the concept of polyamory the thouple is a relational concept that is flourishing

Elise: And how is a throuple formed?

Christian: It is very rare that all three partners are entering a relationship together at the same time. Often it is a request from the couple who may have a desire to open up after an extended period of monogamy. Or the couple is open at the beginning and it is by chance that they meet a third person who corresponds to the primary couple.

Throuple workshop at La Casa Dorada

Elise: Where does this desire to open up the couple come from?

Christian: A couple is a constant rebalancing. They can be between two worlds, between two perceptions and opinions. In a throuple, there is no more face to face, one of the three can act as a moderator.Being in a throuple can enhance an existing dynamic: and give greater access to different types of emotions, intimacy, care, and joy. Moreover, the intimate relationships will be balanced since they are shared between the three partners. The energy is always in balance. When the throuple is mixed, it is interesting to see how the energy is distributed differently between them. It is also interesting to explore whether sexual chemistry and attraction develops between all of the partners. Throuples are generally experiencing romantic feelings, but sexual feelings are not guaranteed. Because at first sight they do not necessarily have a mutual sexual attraction. It is also important to identify the different expectations and intentions of each other to achieve a harmonious relationship. There is a sharing of roles and needs, so the risks of having to perform or satisfy the needs of the other are reduced.

A couple is a constant rebalancing. They can be between two worlds, between two perceptions and opinions.

What to know

Elise: What is good to know before starting a relationship?

Christian: In a throuple it can be easy to feel sidelined. So in order not to lose their primary partner or lose the dynamic of the throuple, the partner who feels left out will agree to maintain an open relationship under these conditions. In fact, in a throuple and even more so in a couple, communication is primordial so that everyone feels good and confident.

Another point is how to present yourself as a throuple in society. In a society where differences are not always well accepted, it is not easy to integrate the habits of everyday life. One could easily end up on the sofa when booking a hotel, for example. Then there is the gaze of others, of the family, which must be constantly confronted. This passage also involves communication, which is intended to be benevolent and educational.

The question of family life can also be raised. In a mixed throuple without children who want to create a family, the question will be which partner will have a child with which partner. Does the woman have a child with each man, or does the man have a child with each woman? Or do the same two partners procreate? In a mixed throuple with children, the questions are often the same as for a traditional couple. In all cases, the throuple often brings harmony, both in the educational and organisational aspects, again through its moderating aspect.

It is also interesting to question the nature of our desire for the throuple. Is it the object of a fantasy or of a real value and philosophy of life? When it is the object of a fantasy, it can be much more difficult to manage in the long term, since it is in a way idealised. The experience remains, in any case, very positive, especially for men who abolish this spirit of conquest, of “ravishing” the woman in the literal and figurative sense. Their attitude tends to change towards women in general.

Trio workshop at La Casa Dorada

The third person

Elise: How does this third person fit in?

Christian: Feeling like a third wheel can be a very unpleasant experience in a relationship. The partners of the throuple must, beforehand, be aware that the cards are being redistributed to form a new relational base, while knowing that this base is bound to evolve. Integration is again achieved through communication. Each person must be seen and heard by the others so as not to feel left out.

Elise: how is sexuality experienced within the throuple?

Christian: It is a dense, communion where each one finds his point of balance. One can be an observer of what is happening with love and benevolence or with play, he can be a support, an entertainment for the two partners in interaction. It can then spontaneously join the other two. In a mixed throuple with two male partners, sexuality will allow them to open their vulnerability by exploring the penetrating and penetrated polarities. The shared intimacy will be a nourishing and enriching experience for the throuple. This experience will also be reflected in daily life.

The majority of couples who come to La Casa Dorada are often couples who want to open up to a new sexuality. A sexuality that is all about awareness and no longer about friction, as may be the case in the swingers’ world. They want to navigate towards a sexuality that is connected to the heart. By coming to Casa Dorada, they find a place to explore and put their desires into practice while being moderated by the entire community. They leave enriched by the experience, not just sexually, but emotionally and spiritually. This kind of experience and relational development can open the door to exploring alternative relationships, such as a throuple.

The shared intimacy will be a nourishing and enriching experience for the throuple. This experience will also be reflected in daily life.

· Article by Christian Gouttenoire ·

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