I offer Christian an extended framework: he has total freedom of movement, we breathe together (sexbod technique) and he can verbalise what he wants. He is allowed to touch me, to caress me except on my genitals (too afraid to let myself be carried away by my desire and no longer control the session and then regret it!)
I start the session as usual and begin the bodywork. It is fluid with Christian. I don’t feel any resistance in my body. Moreover, to my great surprise, when I saw him physically for the first time in the car park when I arrived, my body naturally went into his arms for a warm hug, quite rare for me during a first contact…
I love massaging him, my hands naturally embrace his body and the energy rises quite quickly. Christian is very receptive, it’s fluid. His body moves naturally under my hands, he breathes and vocalises strongly which reassures me and gives me more space. My body moves closer, I massage with my forearms, my elbows, then lie down using my breasts, my whole body moves naturally. He appreciates my touch.
I firmly maintain my posture as giver, in a state of vigilance that I do not perceive at this moment: I give everything I have but do not allow myself to receive nor to take pleasure. I’m here to offer something, but there’s no question of me taking anything!
We are connected, our bodies adjust, I am touched but I resist surrender. It’s not conscious, I’m just maintaining my professional framework…limiting and constraining, I realise today.
It is then that Christian invites me to take a break. I lie on his back and massage him with my forearms. I stop and rest my cheek against his back. He invites me to take this time for myself, first to rest a little, then to feel in my body. Immediately tears flow: God, it’s good to feel this man’s body! My own body settles down, my compressed energy relaxes, expands in my own body. I am deeply touched in my heart which expands widely; the tears flow. I do not know this space… infinity.
Christian feels this change in my energy and receives it more intensely in his own body. He explains to me, with evidence (!), that if I also take pleasure, if I also allow myself to feel, to receive, this amplifies the connection and the energy that reflects on his own pleasure. He invites me to take care of myself, my position, my needs, while I am only focused on his well-being. I realise that my right hip hurts, and my back, I adjust, settle down.
My right arm begins to slide very gently without my having any intention of doing so… “Let it do, ” he says, ” let it go to the end of his movement”, “enjoy my body, make yourself happy, do what you want”, so without deciding anything, without wanting to give him anything or do anything to him, I allow myself to do it. Oh sure, not this passive “letting myself do it” as so often in the past, by undergoing the energy, the needs, the desires of the other, by enduring…. Letting go, what my body wants.
And then the miracle happens, there is no longer a giver or a receiver, just an intimate dance of two energies that meet and merge…. I am surprised… At times I let out little grunts, my mouth nibbles, my tongue licks his body, my whole body undulates against him. I subtly feel an animal part that could express itself… Another part of me coldly observes what is happening. Was I still dissociated at that moment? A part of me was, because this part, very calm, observes and tries to analyse. It’s new, it doesn’t seem dangerous, but it’s still on guard…. What’s going on? New data for my inner computer… It’s disturbing and difficult to fit into my usual boxes: it’s both very gentle and intensely deep, a sensation of floating weightlessly and at the same time entering a powerful inner movement, like a bottomless pit, an abyss…
I have already experienced something like this, alone, in meditation or in mindfulness masturbation. But here I am against a body that vibrates with pleasure, it is totally different! I have to deal with this body, this other one that has always frightened me, even flabbergasted me, and that could rape me…
Christian. invites me to feel in my body again. He feels my desire before I am aware of it, yes I am still somewhat dissociated!!! Then I feel my hot, vibrant, wet vulva. I have a desire and he is grateful. My body calls to him and he receives this call with pleasure. My touch is deeper, even more connected to what Is, there, present between us. Neither of us let go completely, Christian offers me here a space of initiation to the Sacred Intimate.
Sunday 8 May 2022 – Session 2 still with Laurence – She receives, I give. Laurence writes ….
“Sunday at 9.30am: I am going to receive my first “Sacred Intimate” session by Christian. A little tense, afraid of not letting go, of being uncomfortable. I set my intentions before the session: “I ask to let go of limiting conditionings and memories that hinder the full realisation of my sexual identity”.
Christian insists on experimentation, on allowing oneself to be wrong, there are no stakes or objectives, just letting go and welcoming what comes. We sit face to face on the floor and I concentrate and let myself be guided by his meditation. He invites me to feel my energy in my sacrum, I immediately see a magnificent golden cobra coiled on itself which raises its head and then rises. I had never seen this one even though I had modelled its head in clay when I represented my vulva in a women’s shamanic tantra workshop. Wow, that’s an impressive cobra! It rises up from the back of my spine and then hisses back down to my root chakra. I watch it undulate and am touched by its strong presence and beauty.
Christian begins with his touch. I am invited to let my body express by itself, to move as it seems, to breathe in through my mouth with a vibrating sound on while exhaling throughout the session, to express my desires, my needs, to use him (this is the word Christian used and which challenges me) and my own body to increase pleasure like stimulating myself if I feel the need.
Very quickly, the sexual energy rises. I am totally at ease, confident. My body undulates without embarrassment or resistance, I change position, adjust his hand, and we enter very quickly, on my initiative, into an intimate dance.
I caress him, massage him, avoiding his sex at first. As I write these lines, I feel this controlling and observant presence, this part outside of me ready to intervene in case of danger…. “Don’t get him too excited, it could spill over”…. At one point, my hand meets his sex and likes to stroke it, to use it to caress my vulva. It’s delicious. His erection is soft, it reassures me. He is present, welcoming, listening, I let ME gettin closer.
I’m very excited, I vocalise loudly as I exhale, which allows me to spread the pleasure throughout my body and delay the orgasm.
Christian asks me if he can come in (!!?) Immediate stress, inner contraction, I understand a proposal to penetrate with his penis. Then I think about the framework that was set by Christian at the beginning of the session where energetic penetration, without friction, is possible in a Sacred Intimate session but never the first time! I accept however and only his finger enters.
Phew! I was ready to go beyond the clearly expressed framework : penetration is possible in a “Sacred Intimate” session but never during the first session. I can see this desire to experiment and to push back my blocking-limits which could put me in danger… !
The energy rises again. I force myself to look at him in the eyes to stay present but I feel this inner call to dive into my depths. I close my eyes. Waves, circles in motion that begin to form a huge, vibrating, pulsating vulva. I am deeply touched by this intense presence. I have the sensation of being this vulva, the vulva? It is me and the whole universe at the same time. An immensity inside, like a gaping void in the universe… at the bottom of this gap a cosmic eye (I don’t know what that means but it is what is there). “I am the original vulva.” This is what I hear and what I experience at the same time. It is both me and the whole universe, all the other vulvas.
I share my vision with Christian. I have the feeling that I could suck it in. “It’s too soon”, he says! Of course, I have no desire for penetration at this moment, just this very strong sensation that inside this vulva is the whole universe, that through my own vulva I will be able to suck in everything that is. It pulsates, it vibrates, it comes. There are few colours, it is rather dark with shades of grey-brown. I am expanding all my bodies, as if I were merging, as if I were what I see. Christian. and I exchange a few words about this gap, about the power of vaginas….
I am in a high state of arousal and breathe in loudly. The movement of his fingers in my sex accelerates and I react strongly to this increase in my pleasure. I really want to repeat the experience. to fully assume what I receive and experience in my body”. ….