Using sexual ritual as a new kind of intimate encounter
When we think of “sexual ritual”, we often associate it with satanic representations, or with references to the film “Eyes wide shut”, i.e. something a little sulphurous where the woman often has a role as subject.
In the following article, we explore from a tantric perspective and using the tools of Mindful Sexuality, which honours an intimate and conscious encounter between two or more partners. An encounter that someone has decided to enter into with another, in a primal intimacy marked by tenderness and presence.
What is a “sexual ritual”?
CHRISTIAN: A sexual ritual is a moment shared in the intimacy of yourself, your partner or many lovers. For the purpose of this article though, we’ll focus on ritual between 2 partners, regardless of gender or orientation. A sexual ritual is a moment of a special or exceptional nature, but which can be reproduced at will.
The ritual is consciously thought or planned out in advance, with an intention that each participant is invited to express
Stages of the ritual
Make an appointment This is a meeting which is not decided at the last moment, but which is planned and prepared. A particular occasion can give place to this kind of ritual (full or new moon, birthday, or simply the expressed need to meet on an intimate level and in a higher state of consciousness…). There is a symbolism in the ritualthat honours each partner, a celebration of the pleasure of being together.
Choose a place Consider choosing a place you’re not used to making love in (for example the bedroom). It can be done at home, in another room or in a more atypical place: a room in a charming hotel, or why not outside under the stars when the weather permits.
Arrange your space by creating a warm and conducive atmosphere that suits everyone. Provide blankets (opt for a heated blanket underneath), cushions, candles, incense, create a suitable lighting atmosphere, and carefully choose the background music with soft and slow tempo music. Don’t limit yourself, be creative and explore your fantasies to create an atmosphere that you will enjoy. Set up a small altar with candles and perhaps an object that represents you or your intention.x
Have an intention
know why you are setting up this intimate encounter as part of a ritual. Allow yourself to express this intention out loud to materialise it verbally, to make it resonate in your own body and thus give it importance. The more precise you are in verbalising your intention, the more you can visualise it and the more likely you are to see it come true. (see a future blog on “Sex Magic”)
In a fulfilled sexuality it is important to allow yourself to express your desires, your wishes. It is very possible that the wish expressed will not be fulfilled, but the simple fact of expressing it, participates in giving it substance and already, almost feels the beneficial effects.
The important thing is the path, not the goal
Start with a short meditation by concentrating on your breathing. Calm your mind. Do not start with the idea of having a goal to reach, of having to perform or of having to give your partner an orgasm. The important thing is the path, not the goal.
Knowing that you are responsible for your own pleasure
It is important to bear in mind that the experience to come depends essentially on the intensity of the commitment and the quality of presence that you are ready to invest. Do not expect the partner to provide an unforgettable experience, as this puts responsibility and pressure on him or her and relieves us of our own involvement.
Explore using all your senses
Explore your own feelings first, and communicate out loud what effects this has on you. This will amplify the dimension of the feeling of the person who expresses himself and incidentally give information to the partner. I usually recommend starting with a mutual massage, at the same time, which turns into a kind of slow, sensual dance, combining conscious breathing and verbalisation of the feeling.
The slower the better
This moment of sharing invites the communication of emotions and feelings. Breathing allows you to centre yourself, to identify your state of being and to communicate it to your partner(s). You can choose to keep eye contact or you may prefer to close the eyes, breathe deeply and consciously in order to feel each sensation expressed by the body and to be able to communicate it.
Once this sharing has been established, the next step is to move awareness and breath to the genitals. You can use visualisation or feeling to do this. And the most important thing is slowness, more slowness equals more presence, it allows the body to integrate all the information and transform it into energy.
A slow approach to the erogenous zones
Visualise your yoni* or lingam** (Sanskrit terms for the female* and male** genitalia) and connect with your partner with gratitude, honouring this energetic connection. You can also visualize your muladhara (Sanskrit for the root chakra, i.e. the anal area) if you focus your sexual practices around this area.
The climax of a sexual ritual is unification, but it is not a mandatory part of the ritual. In the Tantric tradition, the unification posture is called the "Yab Yum", where the man, the Shiva, sitting in the Lotus meditation position, will receive the Shaki on his erect penis, lingam.
Still in the tantric tradition, there is no friction, it is an energetic circulation that will be established between the partners. With the rhythm of the breath, the energy will pass from one to the other. The energy enters through the mouth, circulates downwards following the energy centre, the Sushumna, and exits at the level of the genitals to communicate itself to the partner and goes back up through its central axis towards the mouth in a closed circuit, amplifying itself as it goes along.
With or without an erection?
Unification is above all energetic, and even if it is the most usual, penetration with a fully erect penis is not essential. Unification can perfectly well be achieved with a flacid penis (we propose some techniques for this), or without penetration with a simple contact of the genitals, and certain positions particularly adapted for this. It should be noted that the intensity felt during a unification without penetration can be a dazzling experience. It is a bit like the electric arc that is created between the two poles of a spark plug. It is the sexual energy that creates this arc between the two polarities Yin and Yang. This energy arc will be maintained and amplified throughout the connection between the partners. This is an experience that is often had by a feminine couple too.
The orgasmic trance
Often people may enter some form of trance, which is in fact the beginning of an intense orgasmic state, which can be prolonged and amplified as desired. In a tantric sexual ritual, it is a question of savouring a moment of presence, of sharing, of creative and nourishing exploration for each one. We call this the valley of pleasure. The slow path to pleasure and feeling allows us to reach degrees of pleasure and sensuality, often much more intense and nourishing than an orgasm. Remember that an orgasm is a sudden rIs
Is an anal sex ritual possible?
Yes, it is! This is also an energetic exchange between the Yin / Yang polarities. Even when they are partners of the same sex. Because the polarities regulate themselves by establishing a positive and negative field which allows the energy to circulate rather than a release of tension that lasts only a few fractions of a second and exhausts the man’s vital energy.
Find a real conclusion to the ritual The ritual is now coming to an end. Remember that in the Tantric lineage, orgasm (peak orgasm) is not a point of honour, let alone ejaculation. To close the ritual, the partners can face each other so that they can express their emotional state, while being careful not to slip into detailed analysis (this can come later or at another time if necessary). Value “what is” in the here and now and not “what should be”. It is a question of expressing through the “I”, the feeling of the moment (“I felt this at such and such a moment…”). And of course, don’t forget to thank the other person for the quality of their presence.
The ritual may end with a small snack prepared in advance, where each person feeds the other. With a moment of tenderness, or perhaps a new dance, with perhaps even more slowness and less intention. And when everyone feels satisfied by the experience: extinguish the candles, kiss each other good night.