Slow sex: how to regain a fulfilling sex life

In our daily rush, we sometimes forget that our body’s tempo does not adapt as well as we think to the frantic pace we put it through. We have evolved to be very mental beings, even in our private lives, where calmness and slowness should more often be the order of the day.

We often use sex to relieve the stress that overwhelms us. For this purpose, we look for a quick, yet pleasant way, with friction sex, to release tension and quickly reach an orgasm that can be described as a “discharge orgasm”.

So much so that sexual intercourse lasts, on average, no more than 5.4 minutes, between the moment of penetration and the man’s ejaculatory orgasm, whereas it generally takes a minimum of 20 minutes for the woman to reach a state conducive to orgasm, which she generally only achieves in 30% of cases!

Elise: what exactly is slow sex?

Christian: It is the heart of our approach to Mindfulness Sexuality. Slow sex is a counterpoint to frictional sexuality. It is essentially an energetic sexuality, which means that one feels one’s body in its totality, in its sensations and emotions, that one feels and grows the energetic flow within oneself in order to transmit it and circulate it between the two partners (sometimes three).

In slow sex, we release the need to reach a precise goal, the orgasm. It is about taking a different path. Here, the peak of the extraordinary final orgasm, which is usually very short (10 seconds on average for a man and 30 seconds to 2 minutes for a woman) is replaced by a slow path to reach a state of orgasmic trance. The orgasmic trance is an intense, long-lasting and diffused sensory state that leads to a redefinition of orgasm and what it means to us. This trance is long-lasting in the sense that it can last for an indefinite period of time and can be repeated over and over again. Diffused, in the sense that the orgasmic sensations grow and flow through the body and fluctuates according to the sensations provided by contact with the other.

This orgasmic trance is accessible to both men and women. It is a matter of learning beforehand to stop seeing the ejaculatory orgasm as the end of the male sexual act and at the same time to rediscover one’s body and the infinite potential of the sensations that can be created by sharing it.

Elise: What are the recommendations for practicing slow sex?

Christian: We can say that there are 5 recommendations for a good practice of slow sex.

First, avoid being in the mind: whether it’s through mental images, planning on how to reach orgasm, or how to satisfy our pleasure or that of our partner. It’s all about being in the moment.

Secondly, it may seem paradoxical, but it is important to be self-centred. That is to say, to listen to our feelings, our needs and our most subtle sensory perceptions. Each person must focus on their own well-being before focusing on that of their partner.

Then, be attentive to the feeling that this contact gives us. This feeling is on two levels. On the level of the touch we receive and on the level of the touch we exert on the other. Do not be attentive to the effects that it produces in the other, but to the sensations that you capture in yourself. It is in fact asking ourselves: what information am I receiving when I give or receive this touch?

Finally, we can never repeat it enough, it is above all not having a goal to reach. Thus, the orgasmic trance lasts much longer. One should almost not want to make love in the first place. So seduction and pleasure are built and maintained, like a fire that you build in the middle of winter, from small dry branches and leaves that you try to keep warm. Because when we really want (the other person), the fire is already burning within us and it doesn’t take much for it to explode and then go out.

Elise: in concrete terms, what are the benefits of slow sex?

Christian: As we explained earlier, slow sex allows you to enter a state of orgasmic trance. The sensations and internal chemistry that come from it work together to help us feel more relaxed, like a stress reliever. There is a feeling of fullness during and after intercourse. Partners also feel more aligned and connected. While traditional orgasm tends to reduce our energy and increase our fatigue, slow sex instead allows us to feel more energy, physical comfort and dynamism. In the long term and in a qualitative way, slow sex improves the quality of sleep, mental concentration and eliminates certain depressive states. Indeed, we have found that it disinhibits our creativity and initiative (through the exploration of bodies and sensations) and thus increases our optimism and joie de vivre. In addition, the strengthened connection with a partner can lead to a more stable mood and improved self-confidence.