There has been a growing awareness of sexuality and its benefits, particularly since the post-war years and with a peak in the 1970s with the “sexual liberation” movement. Despite this we still find ourselves, even today, having, for most of us, a narrow vision of what pleasure is accessible. Sometimes confined and constrained in phases of unseen dissatisfaction and frustration, we may wonder whether it is then possible to enjoy the fruits of an infinitely rich sexuality.
From the series of Élise Di interviews to Christian from La Casa Dorada.
Elise: Where does sexual dissatisfaction come from?
CHRISTIAN: There are several reasons.
First of all, when we talk about sexuality, penetration is almost always comes to mind. And when we know that about 70% of women take little or no pleasure in penetrative sex, it is not surprising that a very large part of the population complains of a limited sexuality which is not very nourishing.
But to come back to the formal reasons, I would say, first of all, that in the majority of cases it is a real lack of communication. With oneself at first, because it is often difficult for us to define our own desires, to become aware of them and sometimes even to accept them.
...we know that about 70% of women take little or no pleasure in penetrative sex..
But also with one’s partner, with whom it is even more difficult to express one’s needs and desires. Apart from social conditioning, which limits us without us being aware of it, the reasons for this lack of communication often come from the fact that we imagine that our partner will take what is only information from us as a judgement. While in reality, expressing our desires and needs can be the starting point for a fulfilling sexuality.
In passing, I would like to point out that the simply having the possibility to express oneself is already a big step towards overcoming the feeling of dissatisfaction. Expressing ourselves in order to be heard is already a lot. The partner may not be able or willing to grant our wishes, but the simple fact of saying so can be enormously liberating and satisfying.
The possibility to express oneself is already a big step towards overcoming the feeling of dissatisfaction.
The second reason is that we have so many expectations! We wait for our partner to guess what will satisfy us, while our own needs are unclear. We wait for the experience to lead us to orgasm, whereas sometimes the other person simply wants to stay in a moment of tenderness.
It is also a question of tempo, because the flow of energy does not go in the same direction and at the same rhythm for women as for men. Not forgetting that it often takes women longer to begin to feel pleasure.
ÉLISE: How can we get out of sexual dissatisfaction?
CHRISTIAN: Searching for orgasm is the best way not to find it.
Even if this intention is unspoken or even completely unconscious, it is almost always the cause of sexual interaction for each partner. There is a kind of obligation of a specific result that can intrude into this precious and intimate moment.
On the contrary, it is necessary to learn to engage in intimacy without expectation, without goal. To remain attentive to the present moment, to be in the feeling of oneself and of the other. This implies not being in the mind, at all, but in the body, intensely.
Searching for orgasm is the best way not to find it.
I don’t totally agree with the widespread saying that the first sexual organ is the brain. In fact, there is so much going on there, apart from chemistry, and the ego plays such an important role, that one is almost certain not to live the present moment with all the attention and intensity it deserves. I would need a little more time to develop this idea, and I will do so soon.
It is important to say that before reaching satisfaction with one’s partner, it is essential to learn how to reach it alone. It goes through the awakening of one’s own body, through self-exploration, in order to put words on one’s pleasure and thus be able to guide the other. Because if one is dissatisfied with oneself, there is little chance that one will be with one’s partner.
... everyone is responsible for their own pleasure!
Dissatisfaction also sets in over time. After the “honeymoon” phase, we get used to certain habits that lead to monotony – not ideal! This dissatisfaction will eventually turn into frustration, acting like a withdrawal. From there, a real sense of lack can set in and from this frustration, emotional, psychic and somatic problems are born. Being willing to transcend and reinvent oneself is the key!
ÉLISE: What can sexual frustration provoke?
CHRISTIAN: Frustration can largely call the couple into question. And sometimes leads one of the two to go elsewhere, to feel again this “honeymoon” effect specific to any fresh relationship. But very often this gap will soon fall into the same patterns of dissatisfaction, added to a feeling of guilt.
If there is a lot of love present in the relationship, a couple may be led to explore more playful forms of sexuality, such as BDSM for example, or to invite other people into their dynamic.
Frustration can largely call the couple into question.
I invite my clients to make these experiences when they seem to be open to it, because it allows a dialogue to take place and opens up the field of possibilities. These experiences put things back into perspective, within the intimacy itself, in the form of questioning each other’s needs, which is a good thing! Even if there is no action, the windows have been opened and fresh air brought in, and that’s already a lot!
Another cause of dissatisfaction that is important to mention is pain during sex.
All this can cause intercourse to become less frequent and even disappear.
We offer different solutions to deal with these physical and psychological problems for both men and women. And the advantage of these proposals is that they are not only restorative or curative, but that they involve new ways of being and acting in intimacy, gently reweaving the bonds of a love that may have unravelled over time.
By redefining one’s own scale of pleasure, one learns to feel it earlier and more intensely. It is through a slow progression that one will enter into pleasure, until becoming one with it.